I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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