I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
