Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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