That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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