My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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