I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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