I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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