I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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