She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
