Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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