Have you finally orgasmed yet?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
