I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
