The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
