sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
