I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize