We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
