she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
