I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
