i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
