you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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