my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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