he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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