Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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