I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
my poor anus
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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