you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i already hear my dad disowning me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
