Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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