If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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