can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
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i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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