Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
