think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
