if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
