i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That accounts for only three of the penises
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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