I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We need a shit load of segways right now
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
