how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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