Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
