Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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