just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
