A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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