guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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