Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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