He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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