i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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