It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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