a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
