you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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