I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
