you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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