someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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