Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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