I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
someone owes me an orgasm
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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