Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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