I'm pants shitting drunk right now
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
