Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The air taste purple.
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