you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
