on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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