nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
there is puke in my bra ... again
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
