fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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