Having a random hookup so left but love u
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
